Originally appeared in Transgender Tapestry #98, Summer 2002.

by Janice Josephine Carney
? 2001 by Janice Josephine Carney. All Rights Reserved.


For V-day, and all the transgendered who have been violently abused.
For my own childhood that never was, due to incest and painful penetration.
If your vagina got dressed, what would it wear?
My vagina would wear a sun hat. Yes, a sun hat, I want my vagina to be out in the sun, basking in all its glory.
If your vagina could talk, What would it say, in two words?

Thank you.

Yes, my vagina would say ?Thank you? if it could talk; it would say thank you for the penile inversion surgery.

On Feb. 25, 2001, I was awakened by the voice of Dr. Stanley Biber. I was in Mount St. Rafael Hospital in Trinidad, Colorado. It was my 51st birthday, and my first day with a vagina.

Yes! I have a constructed vagina. February 25, 2001. Here I am, a 51-year-old woman with a one-day-old vagina. A puffy, sore vagina?but my vagina!

Dr. Biber was checking out his work. He informed me all had gone well, and told me I was well-packed to prevent my new vagina from closing up. I was bleeding and in a great deal of pain. Still, I could die in peace now. My body, soul, brain and spirit were whole at last. A court order declaring me female was in the works.

Four days later, I was once again awakened by Dr. Biber?s voice. Today was the day I would see my vagina for the first time?the packing was coming out. The nurse handed me a mirror. I couldn?t hold back my tears.

I placed the mirror between my legs and sat up to look. I stared in amazement. My vagina was puffy and ugly! It was strange-looking?but then again, I had never seen a vagina from this angle before. Dr, Biber informed me it would remain swollen for a few months. Today I had to start dilating. The dilating procedure is an important part of my postoperative care.

My vagina. Yes, my vagina would be oozing blood and other fluids for the next few months. I would have to wear pads during this period. At the age of 51, for the first time, I would have to wear pads.

Six months later. The swelling is gone, and I no longer have to wear pads. I use the mirror to take a look at my vagina. After all these years of self-loathing and feeling incomplete. I?m afraid to look at my own vagina! My lips look too big. I hold then open with a mirror. I can see my vaginal orifice. I can see my urethral orifice, my clitoris. I am crying again. You see, I have a vagina. I am a whole and complete woman.

Dilating is no longer a medical chore. It now is joyful masturbation, feeling that vibrator deep inside me, finding that spot?if I hit it right, my whole body vibrates in delight. That spot is my clitoris.

My vagina is part of me. I now can pee in a woman?s restroom without fear of being arrested!

Janice Josephine Carney is a writer and performer. She is the author of One Heart, One Mind, a reflection of her year in Vietnam and the emotional toll it took on her life. She has written and performed a one-act play, ?I Was Always Me,? dealing with her transition from John Joseph to Janice Josephine. She was the subject of an educational documentary, ?Transjan,? which premiered at the 2001 Provincetown film festival. Ms. Carney?s website is <http://www.geocities/transjan1>.