I tried not to faint, held on to the wall, took slow and deep breaths, and attempted to ask clear and cohesive questions, like ?What does that mean? I don?t understand. Are you sure? Perhaps you are just confused, or it?s some silly college idea.? But as I listened carefully to his answers, I knew in my heart of hearts, that we were all embarking on a strange and difficult and life altering journey that would not be easy for any of us. My son was totally of the conviction that he had the brain of a woman. He had started the transition hormonally several months before. My husband was out of town on business, so there I sat all alone as our phone call ended, now having to face the truth in front of me.It would be days before I gradually was able to come out of the emotional shock I went into that night.

As a nurse, I had encountered a few transgender people in my care, but I must admit, despite being a nurse, I really did not know what it meant. I felt mildly curious about them, and wondered why would anyone ever want to do that to themselves? Beyond that, there was no reason for me to explore the issue. Why would I? These people did not affect me, and were not part of my life, so it never seemed important to learn.

Well, now this was affecting me and my family, big time. This was our kid who was telling us that from about age 12, when puberty hit and the testosterone started flowing, he knew that a big error had been made. The testosterone contributed to a dysphoria,or un-happiness, and for the next five years as his body started becoming more masculine he would struggle to try to identify what the problem was. The onset of puberty was when the sullen behavior started, the preoccupation, the distractibility, the retreat into his own world of trying to figure out what made him feel so different from everyone else. In retrospect, it explained so much. The big clothes he wore, a way of covering his body up, the constant preoccupation with hair styles, the nail polish and necklace, which I did not attribute to anything, because many musicians did that sort of thing. The sad soulful music that I would hear coming out of his room as he played his guitar, which always tore at my heart, the avoidance of dating and proms and social activities that are normal for other kids at that age.

It also explained why as an adolescent he would often get almost obsessive about his desire for something that he thought would make him happy. He would ask incessantly for the new bike, or the new skateboard, or a dog, anticipating that perhaps the joy of the new object would hopefully be enough to cover up the underlying hideous feelings that only got worse as time went on. It breaks my heart when I think of the dark and lonely nights that he spent wondering and worrying how to deal with it all. It never diminished, it never resolved. How alienating it must be to feel so radically different. It explained his taking college courses in neuroscience, endocrinology, philosophy, and psychology. He was trying to figure it all out. For nearly 10 years, Dave traveled down this emotionally painful journey all alone. And I, the mother could not see!

I went through a myriad of emotions, including shock, sadness, guilt, loss, confusion, anxiety, fear, just about all of them I guess. I decided to educate myself about the subject, and dove into all the books I could find. I looked up who the experts were, and sought out their help. I was fortunate to find several gender specialists in my area and got us involved. I got proper medical supervision for him so that we could do this ?above board.? I prayed to God for strength, and then when I was able, I starting telling friends and coworkers, only a little at a time, as my comfort level would permit, and would be fortified every time I could say the words ?my son is really my daughter? and the world would not end. I found an on line support group for parents of transgender kids, and found a tremendous amount of support and advice there. I was amazed that there were literally hundreds of moms and dads riding the exact same emotional rollercoaster as we were. Most importantly, I vowed that I would be there for HER as a loving and supportive parent, leading my family with an attitude of acceptance.